About four months ago, I suffered a trauma release. I'm not into labels or conditioning; I question everything all the time. I questioned what happened a little and reflect a lot. And am pretty okay with saying it was a trauma release.
It wasn't small, subtle and liberating.
It was huge, painful, dark; paralysing on all levels. And if someone asked me if I could go back and undo it, I'd wholeheartedly say yes. Despite knowing that a release means there's more space for me to 'be', having let a lot go.
Because what I'm left with is just a heap of questions about how I've been swimming along on the surface; existing or sleepwalking. Unaware of the sharks I'd created beneath the surface.
That's the thing; it's a conscious choice; this life we create.
It takes 7 years for each chakra to be energetically 'rooted' so our base/home/earth/muladhara is potentially crafted when we are between 1-7 years old; swadhisthana from 7-14 and so on. So if we suffer rough childhoods, we are left to deal with that for a long time. It's like unravelling a ball of wool that was crafted over 7/14/21 etc. years.
But how we deal with all the 'stuff' is our choice.
This release felt like all the energy I'd put into loving, hating, hiding, emerging, practicing, theorising, contemplating and more, was compacted into an orbit, spun out of control, magnified by 1000 times its own force, and then thrown right back at me. Smashing me to pieces.
It was by far one of the most painful and frightening experiences I have ever suffered. And that's saying a lot, believe me. For I thought I had suffered.
And I thought I had healed.
I felt I'd 'dealt' with my stuff.
And then during a moment of stillness and reflection (an amazing yin session and meditation) I fell to pieces.
And all the armour dropped to reveal what really lied beneath.
I'd always read about 'awakening's and figured they'd be moments of light. Of revelation and realisation. Like a whole body sigh. Just a release of some sort. And I'd experienced some of them along the way in my life.
That feeling of lightness that comes when we are fearless to let go. The call we make to end a relationship. Or walking away from a situation that no longer fulfils us. Leaving a devastating space for new horizons. Forgiving someone who abused us. Forgiving self and trying to make friends with the reflection back in the mirror.
But, the reality was that I was left feeling super-lost and utterly devastated.
And the reality was that no-one could really help me. I'm blessed to have amazing contacts including some of the world's best yogi/nis to help me and the advice was abundant. I got to a point where I seriously couldn't see how I was going to cope. Closing my eyes put me back in very vulnerable situations where fearful memories arose as if I was in them now. My body literally shook for hours and all I could do was let myself be held (mostly unwillingly) by friends and my sister at various times.
One minute I was a fully-functioning human. The next I was lost; just a shadow of a person. All the while telling myself to give up.
One day I suffered so badly, I really can't imagine how I coped.
Advice included EFT, chanting, meditation, stillness, psychology, massage, counselling, keeping busy, being unbusy, resting, eating as it's grounding, starving as food creates shifts. I heard it all. I tried most methods; all sorts of meditation, kriya, kirtan; everything.
Sometimes I felt it had gone; that the shadow of my pain had subsided. Then, the next day I felt it again, only more intense. And it wasn't shallow; it was deep. Like huge transatlantic waves, ready to take me down.
There comes a point when you're way beneath the surface and only have a few choices; struggle to swim, drown, or just ride it out until it calms.
Turns out that the way I had to deal with my pain, was to move. Dance, fierce vinyasa, kick, walk, run, cycle. I had to mobilise the energy. Not sit and sink in the falling and pulling. But allow myself just to move through the trauma.
No navigation. No maps.
Bit by bit, even now, all the pain comes through. And there's no warning signs. It's just there. Darkness enveloping me.
One of my teachers tells me it's similar to a snake shedding their skin. I remember always quoting in class that a snake has a moment of complete blindness before the skin is shed.
Another advised that it was like the energy body was stretching beyond the physical skin. So there was pain and discomfort, struggle and fear.
The point is that a trauma release is so much more painful that I can write. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
Which is why we wholeheartedly, emphatically encourage everyone to keep polishing the mirror as you go.
Keep pulling the veil aside and checking the view, undistorted.
As you travel through life, keep questioning, keep awake and aware of all you see and feel and experience. Letting it all go, as you go, is easier than digging things deep, only for them to resurface in a true expanded state. In a state that is too exaggerated for one small body to handle (and we are all small in comparison to the macrocosm of the planet, solar system, galaxy and universe, no matter our physicality).
My advice is not to seek seismic shifts in one go.
The flavour of awakening needs to be constant and steady. Not too much, too fast.
Keep checking in; am I awake, how does this feel (not think), is this okay and is everything present?
This is why this month, we are sharing sprinklings about 'awakening' and 'staying awake'.
Because playing light doesn't always feel light.
Oftentimes, there's a lot of darkness, pain and loneliness. It's not all light; that's why we need to PLAY LIGHT; have a lightness of being, not fall too deep too fast too far.
Yoga can be a tool to help you through that. For both of us, it was and has been the only tool.
It's much better to travel SLOW and STEADY. With grace and gratitude as you go.
Play light. Be the light.
And stop standing in your own way.
This is a truth potion; because in exposing our truths, maybe someone out there can learn a little by it.